My Diary...

Sunday, July 26, 2009

A New Someone...

i can't believe i am again falling into a deep hole...it gets darker n deeper everytime i try to push myself out...i realised the impact on abg that i throw when i neglected him in my life..all these juz coz i am falling for someone.i noe i can't get away from this.coz somehow i've committed myself to tat someone.but i am tired..tired of all these hurt.

abg used to hurt me.but i had to suffer all the pain n hurt i m left with..but now it's happening again.but who am i supposed to turn to this time??who am i supposed to cry on when it really hurts me bad???in the end,i am left alone to swallow all the pain..n in the end my tears ended up wetting my once dry face...n the tears tat run down my cheeks seemed endless...n i can't seem to get it to stop...

abg taught me to be an independent woman..taught me to be a strong one..strong n not let others take advantage of me..he taught me to be independent too..n to be more patient n understanding with whatever he threw me with..but i juz sit n wonder till when am i able to withstand tis..to hold on to both of them till the time comes for me to let go n go my own way...

Secrets[12:01 PM]

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

My baby You..

again.its about him.he said he made the mistake of letting himself opened up to me.letting me noe his true feelings.but i dun look at it as a mistake.i do not blame him for making me the way i am today.i thank god for letting me noe him.he's the one i wish to have but reality separates me from my fantasy.

he found himself falling for me more n more but he dun dare to fall 100% in love with me.n i respect tat.but overall i guess he's juz really afraid he might hurt me in the end and hate himself for wats happening to us.he said to me he didn't hate knowing me.didn't hate tat he love me but juz tat he hate himself for letting himself open up to me.

but only god knows how much n how deep i love him.

Secrets[9:06 PM]

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Friday, May 08, 2009

the love

been 4 to 5 days since i met him and spend time with him...was thinking to meet him tomorrow but i realise he can't make it as to the fact that he'll be home resting with his family.its vesak day tomorrow so kinda a public holiday and he won't be working.so i'll just wait till monday to message him and maybe go and meet him then.

he asked me again just now if i was falling for him again.and i said i do.though sometimes i dun.and i asked if he did fall for me and he answered yes,if not,why did he even care so much about me.come to think of it,its true.if he dun love me,he won't care for me at all.all he said again today was tat he feels tat he is hurting me..

to me,i noe where we stand before each other.and he said he didn't expect that this will become of us now.that we end up falling for one another instead of just being a random stranger.he feels afraid that i will go into depression if i get hurt when we dun meet or not end being together for now.i asked him if it actually meant tat if it is possible for him to be with me,would he??all he could say is tat he not too sure about it and he's afraid that he will hurt me and hence distract my studies.he said that the times we had together are just to be kept as sweet memories for us to remember coz eventually we will be drifting away from one another as soon as i start school.

but i dun want tat to happen.no matter wat,i will cherish him in my life,if not as someone who spends his life with me,but as a brotherly figure to me.and i wish to treasure the relationship between us forever till the day i get married.before he went offline,he asked if i noe how deep he love me.and i noe the answer.he loved me so much that he is afraid of hurting me and losing me.

but somehow i will just let time lead the future.

Secrets[10:31 PM]

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Saturday, April 18, 2009

finally managed to meet up with him after 2 weeks of not meeting him.he hugged me so tight that i tot i almost faint.i felt like a little girl again when he carried me in his arms.not once but twice.the smile on his face and the kisses planted on my forehead.it was something unforgettable.

we met as planned and when were on the way home,we met with an accident.i thank GOD for the fact that i am still living.i was talking to him when we crashed into another motorbike ahead of us.he tot that the motorist wanted to dash past the road and so he sped up too to pass the yellow light.but somehow the motorbike in front of us stopped on brake suddenly and we crashed into it and we halt to a stop in the middle of the road.

by the time i looked at my bare left foot,i realized we met with an accident.my shoe was on the road at the side of the other bike.i got off the bike and walked to my shoe and put it on and went to see my leg.it was bleeding a little and somehow been scratched.he brought his bike over and his knuckles were bleeding at the fourth and last fingers.it was of dark red color.different than mine which is a lighter red.he asked if i was okay and i just said ya except for the minor scratch and the peeling skin underneath my leggings.

the other motorist asked if i was okay too but i was too shocked that i couldn't reply. in the end all three of us injured our leg.both motorists hurt their knee and i hurt my bottom part of the leg.other than that,everything else is fine. his bike front cover got scratched and bits of it came off and his coolen leaked petrol.the other bike on the other hand got scratches on it. they had to decide to make it a police report or not.we spent like half hour at the side of the road with oncoming and passing vehicles looking at us.he kept asking if i was okay.

the other motorist tot i was his wife.LOLx..he was like 'is ur wife okay?' he just said yes and that we'll be going to the clinic.i smiled and continue staring into the air.they finally decided to not make a police report and go send the bikes for repair.we got on the bike and he sent me home.

tis was an experience for me.

i was fortunate that nothing serious happened to me.=)

Secrets[7:45 PM]

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Saturday, April 11, 2009

He's rite when he said our relationship is just gonna hurt me more.the reason i can't let him go is coz he has something that belonged to me.my heart.my soul.but why can't he understand i need him as much as they need him.where does he put me when family comes first.though we meet at times,i only managed to erase the fact that i missed him just for a few moments before i start missing him again.

and as time passed,i m missing him more and more.and the time he always said he can't meet me,i'll just sit and breakdown and cry.i can only see the pictures we took together and close my eyes to imagine him in front of me.the tears never stop for him.they never did.he said not to fall for him.not to...but i can't stop myself from falling.it's like falling deep into a pit hole..the deeper i fall,the darker it gets and it's hard to pull myself back to the light.

i can only say ok to everything he said coz i dun dare to say and rebel to everything he said to me.he wants respect.i am trying to give it to him.but sometimes i can't.it's just so hard.i am n0t to tink of him and am not to fall for him.but i am just gonna let it be.let him hurt me more.and maybe eventually i'll hate him and leave him.

just maybe.

Secrets[1:26 PM]

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